Tinyana 73: Thoughts on Teshuva #1

We're continuing on our journey in Torah ע״ג, and as as I go over it and over it, and and the words start to come alive, they jump off the page, I have a diuk that I think if if there's emet to it, I think it might be one of the most important things I've ever I've ever learned in my life. Torah ע״ג, we're we're sitting in Elul, we're getting ready for יום הדין, we're getting ready for עשרת ימי תשובה and Yom Kippur, and for many of us, this might be the most the most serious that we ever that that we ever took Elul in our life. It might have to do with current events, it might have to do with things going on in our personal lives. But but but we sit, and we all have our notion, we're sitting here learning תהלים מסוגל לתשובה together.

And we we have we have our ideas: if we do ours, if we put in the investment, so whatever you put in, you take out. And we have our ideas as we get ready. Rosh Hashanah is a long davenen, Yom Kippur is a long davenen, but this year it's going to be it's going to be different. We're going to engage, we're going to feel, just lift it up, we're going to leave davenen, and this year is going to be an unbelievable year be'ezrat Hashem, we're going to see nissim veniflaot. And we open up, we open up Torah ע״ג, and he says הנה הכל חפצים ליראה את שמך. So, Baruch Hashem, gives me hit'orerut already. I say הכל חפצים ליראה את שמך, I'm sitting here, I'm learning, I'm part of הכל, and certainly my immediate goal, why am I learning this Torah?

Because I'm trying to grow, I'm trying to get yirat shamayim, and the Rebbe says that everybody wants yirat shamayim, it's exactly where I want to be. And the Rebbe goes on, and he says אף על פי כן לאו כל אדם זוכה לעשות תשובה, not everybody is going to be zocheh to do teshuvah, and already I take pause. And he gives three different reasons. First of all, there are some people that don't have hit'orerut, va'afilu mi sheyesh lo hit'orerut, whoever does have hit'orerut, it could be that a person is not going to find his שער, a person is not going to find that path of teshuvah that's relevant to him. And even if a person does, he makes a חשבון הנפש, he finds that path, he finds that gate to go through, and even if he he he he starts working, he's going down, it comes out that the שער of teshuvah is closed, ומחמת כל זה אין אדם זוכה לתשובה.

A person is not going to be zocheh l'teshuvah, and this is this is this seems to be very disheartening. For for the first time in my life, I feel like I'm getting someplace. For the first time, I feel like I'm going I'm doing teshuvah, I'm going to reach יום הדין, and I open up the Rebbe, I'm looking for inspiration, and I'm depressed. Now all of a sudden, it's a lottery again, I don't even know what to do. Comes the רבי, ועל ידי אמירת תהלים, if I say תהלים, אפילו מי שאין לו שום התעוררות לתשובה, even a person who does not otherwise have the motivation, he's not otherwise inspired to תשובה, הוא מתעורר לעשות תשובה, he's inspired to do תשובה, וגם זוכה על ידי תהלים להגיע להשער השייך לו, and so forth, נמצא שזוכה על ידי תהלים לעשות תשובה.

And the diuk that I want to make is, we'll we'll get to in a second. You know, we all have our ideas about what's supposed to happen. If I do what I'm supposed to do, this is how other people in our lives are going to respond, this is how Hakadosh Baruch Hu is going to respond, this is how business is going to respond. Comes along the Rebbe and tells us one of the most important pieces of advice we're ever going to hear. I'm going to read a short few lines from Likutei Etzot, התבודדות ט״ו, and we're going to come back to the Torah, and we're going to have to listen very carefully: אף על פי שהבכי לפני השם יתברך בתחינות ובקשות טוב מאוד.

Crying, weeping before הקדוש ברוך הוא, pleading before הקדוש ברוך הוא is incredible. It's טוב, not just טוב, מאוד. אף על פי כן, כשאדם אומר תהלים או שאר תחינות ובקשות, a person says Tehillim or other types of of requests, other types of intreaties, או שמשיח בינו לבין קונו, he he mamash, he finds his own path, he's Mashiach, the next Torah is going to be כ״ה, we're going to get into התבודדות, וחושב ומצפה ומסתכל בדעתו בכל פעם שיבכה וירדו דמעות. He's there. He's saying tefillot, he's saying תהלים, תהלים מסוגל לתשובה, he's talking to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, and he's sitting and waiting for the result, not even the external result, he's sitting there and he's waiting for the tears to come down.

He wants to burst into tears. I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do, I'm doing everything that the Rebbe told me to do, and if the Rebbe says it, then it's a hundred percent true. And here I am, I want to get close to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, I want to do teshuvah, says the Rebbe, not everybody is zocheh l'teshuvah, say Tehillim. I said Tehillim and more than Tehillim. I said Tehillim, and I said tefillot, and I said hisbodedut, I'm tapping into David Hamelech, and now I'm waiting to open up all the שערים, נעילה, the tears, וגם זה הוא מחשבה זרה ומבלבלת הכוונה. This thought is also a מחשבה זרה, it's an outside thought, and it confuses the כוונה.

Why? Write this down: כי העיקר שיכוון דעתו לומר הדיבורים בכל לבו באמת. The עיקר is that a person should express his words from his heart באמת, שיטה אזנו ולבו, that he should turn his ears and his heart. Start with the mouth, everybody could start with the mouth, we all have that capacity, הכל חפצים ליראה את השם. I'm opening up my mouth, and my ruach, my spirit, my wind, my breath, my neshimah is coming out. They're David Hamelech's words. David Hamelech's שפתותיו דובבות בקבר, the words of David Hamelech, of דוד מלך ישראל, are now coming out of my mouth.

I am incorporated within Sefer Tehillim. It's coming out of my body. I've stopped, it's total hitbatlut. I'm I'm part of the מלכות, I'm part of דוד מלך ישראל מלך המשיח. And he says a person's ears, ולבו לשמוע מה שמוציא בפיו, now I can hear what's coming out of my mouth, listen very carefully. ואם יתעורר לבכיה מה טוב, if a person is stirred towards crying, towards tears, it's a wonderful thing. ואם לאו, and if not, אל יבלבל כוונתו בשביל זה, a person should not disturb his kavanah because of this.

The most important thing I've probably ever heard, I've ever said in regards to teshuvah. We go back, we go back to the Torah, what is our job? We are coming close in אלול, we're coming close ממש a week a week and a little bit before יום הדין. We're coming close to want to do teshuvah, to get ourselves ready for to to to be judged for the following year. We're trying to ramp up to go into עשרת ימי תשובה, to take advantage of every second, and we just feel cold. Is that an indication that something is not going right? I should be crying, I should feel emotional, I should feel like I'm leaned in, I'm taking all of the right steps, and I don't feel leaned in, and with everything I'm a failure.

And then I look in the Rebbe, and the Rebbe tells me, "Say Tehillim." So I say Tehillim, and I every single day I've been doing exactly, I'm following the prescription, I'm saying Tehillim, and yet I feel nothing. So does that mean that I haven't accomplished teshuvah? Does that mean that I'm a failure? Does that mean that what the Rebbe said isn't true? Let's look back for one second into ע״ג. Says again, הכל חפצים ליראה את שמך, and ואף על פי כן לאו כל אדם זוכה לעשות תשובה. Not everybody is zocheh to do teshuvah. What does a person need in order to be זוכה לעשות תשובה, to do teshuvah? Person needs to be inspired, he needs hit'orerut, he needs to know what what applies to him specifically, he needs to know which path to go on, and he needs the door to be open, he needs to enter.

And even so, not everybody's going to do teshuvah. So what does a person do? Says the Rebbe, al yedei amirat Tehillim, even a person that doesn't have hit'orerut is going to have התעוררות לעשות תשובה. We're focusing not התעוררות ל It's not that he's going to be zocheh to teshuvah, he's going to have התעוררות לעשות תשובה. And he continues on, נמצא שזוכה על ידי תהילים לעשות תשובה. The Rebbe's prescription is not for the result. The result is up to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. We don't question Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Hashem gave us a task. Sometimes that task feels good, and sometimes that task doesn't come necessarily along with the inspiration, and sometimes that task is specifically to engage specifically when we're not inspired.

Sometimes that is the main part of the play. Sometimes that's what's going to elevate the world. That's what's going to bring light, not to shine light on the darkness, but to bring the light from within the darkness. The fact that we can that that we can be mevatel ourselves to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, we can own our role, we can have accountability, we can understand that our job is to do teshuvah, to come close to Hakadosh Baruch Hu, to go to take the 49 steps, the 50th step is up to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. Are we going to be zocheh to teshuvah? That's up to Hakadosh Baruch Hu. The When a person is living on somebody else's חשבון, it it it's never going to stop.

Hakadosh Baruch Hu is perfect. Hakadosh Baruch Hu created us, Hakadosh Baruch Hu created us to be perfect. Perfection is when we do our job. Our job is to do those things that inspire us and bring us to be זוכה לעשות תשובה. The Rebbe is giving us a prescription, but it's the right prescription. It's the It's what we actually need in order to reach perfection. The biggest mistake that will be מבלבל it It might be a long road. What's a בלבול? It's a confusion. What's the thing that can knock us off? If a person is going on a road and they don't know how long that road is, they don't know exactly when they're going to get there.

It might be a short road, it might be a long road. In our Torah, it tells us that it's really תלוי in Hakadosh Baruch Hu. There's only one thing that a person can do 100%, and that's take the first step. That's what this prescription is for. We're not worried about whether or not we're going to be on top of the mountain. It could be that our entire life is going to be judged on whether we were climbing. The climb itself is the perfection. If we would stop climbing, no matter how high we reached, then that would be the fail. We might feel like we're 100 miles from the top and we're just not sure if we're ever getting closer. Again, that's Hashem's חשבון. Our question is: are we taking the step?

Says the Rebbe, I, I, I, I, I, I don't even know, I, I can't see the end, I'm uninspired. I can't even take the first step. And if I take it, I'm just so lost, I don't know which direction to take the step in, and if I take it, I don't I I I I find the door closed, I'm uninspired, I'm not feeling anything. Comes along Rabbeinu and tells us, Tehillim is מסוגל לתשובה, but not מסוגל לזכות לתשובה, Tehillim is מסוגל לעשות תשובה. And when we can take a step back and focus not on the result, but on the work, not on the result, but on our role, and we can say, I am doing everything that I can do to get there, and when I don't know what to do, then I follow the צדיקים.

And what do the צדיקים tell me? Follow the מלך, incorporate yourself within the מלכות, incorporate yourself within כלל ישראל, incorporate yourself, find yourself within Tehillim. And I and I'm following that advice, I have that התבטלות, at that point, I'm going to be נכלל in the צדיק, that is where I can find my inspiration. And whether or not it seems like I've accomplished anything, whether or not it even feels that I I'm emotionally accomplishing anything, whether or not it even feels good, not only does it not mean that I wasn't successful, it's not even the right question to ask. אם ירצה השם, we should be zocheh to turn inwards, to be able to embrace our role, and when that role seems to be the darkest and we do it anyway, when that role seems to be the darkest and we sit there and we dig deep, and we open up a ספר Tehillim and we say, Hakadosh Baruch Hu, I feel so distant, but you can't take this away from me, no matter how distant I feel, you can't take away my avodah.

My avodah is to open up a ספר Tehillim and to and to take that first step forward, to find that step within Tehillim, within those קפיטלאך that might even seem the darkest, where David HaMelech was the darkest, and I say, this is where my point of connection is, that's where, אם ירצה השם, we're going to be zocheh, not just to light up the darkness from outside, but that there should be אור coming in, that it should come, become light from within the חושך itself, and we should all be zocheh to ultimately feel that דביקות and feel that התקרבות, to light up ourself and to light up others, and to an unbelievable year, and then we should see unbelievable ניסים ונפלאות, and we should see the the Mashiach come in our own lives, bimheirah b'yameinu.